Speaker Spotlight: Fly Bravely Founder, Lia De Feo

Have you ever met someone that you have such a deep connection with, that it doesn’t matter that you just met, the friendship is sealed as though you’ve know that person for your entire lifetime? Lia and I instantly bonded through our shared experiences of IVF and motherhood. As she shared her journey which was met with heartache and loss before she came to meet her beautiful rainbow daughter, I couldn’t help but think, that I was meeting one of the bravest and kindest women I have ever met. That meeting with Lia at Maman on Canal Street will be far one of my favorite memories of NYC because that day I met a friend for a lifetime.

Since that day, I have sent multiple people to Lia who supports women and couples who are exploring options with surrogacy and/or have experienced loss at any stage including having to leave a hospital without their baby (whether it be them or their surrogate). It takes a very special person to be able to support loss after having gone through it - not just with the trauma but with what to do in the moment to preserve any fleeting memories that may be available.

Lia will be joining us for our October Sunday Session to discuss Why Honoring Loss is Healthy in honor of National Pregnancy and Infant Awareness Loss month. Without further ado, it is my pleasure to introduce Lia DeFeo and the important work that her company Fly Bravely does.

Tell us about Fly Bravely and the inspiration behind the name.

Fly Bravely is a NYC consultancy dedicated to normalizing pregnancy and infant loss and supporting those experiencing challenges and heartache on their path to parenthood.

I wanted the word brave in the name because I feel it’s a reflection of the community I serve and a nod to those still on their journey. Fly has a double meaning. First, moving forward in a way that to me, is freeing. Second, it’s a nod to my daughter Avellina which means “little bird”.  Avellina is our daughter who “flew away” and died two hours after she was born. 

Was there a tipping point that moved you to found Fly Bravely?

It was after my daughter, Carolina turned one. It felt like a turning point. A moment where I could breathe again and not worry if she would leave us too soon like Christopher and Avellina had. I finally felt comfortable talking about my journey to motherhood without having an emotional reaction. It was then that I knew I wanted to normalize loss and help others who were facing challenges on their path to parenthood.

Did loss have an impact on any relationships; personally, professionally or both?

Professionally, I became a far more empathetic manager. I realized that you never really know what the person across the conference table (or zoom line) is going through in their own life that may be driving their reactions or actions in the workplace.

Personally, I found out that many people I was very close to had struggled with infertility, miscarriage and even stillbirth. These were women I knew very well, yet they had never felt comfortable opening up about it before I shared what happened to me.

It was eye opening how much stigma and isolation is associated with these situations (of loss) where what is actually needed is  support and love.

Looking back on your journey, what would you tell your younger self?

I wish I would have known that I would one day have a healthy and beautiful baby. The losses and unknowns were so hard. I would encourage myself to move forward bravely and celebrate the milestones even in a pregnancy after loss.

You have championed access to surrogacy; at what point in your journey did you pursue it and did the experience affect how you coach others? 

When my uterus ruptured and Christopher was stillborn I also lost my ability to carry. I was still in the hospital when I made two phone calls. One to my cousin and one to one of my childhood friends. Both were cancer survivors and had started their families via Surrogacy. I needed to hear their stories because at that moment, I needed to believe that it wouldn’t be the end of my journey. 

The experience made me realize how “lucky” I was that I knew these two women. They helped me understand the process—something that can be really daunting. They helped me decide rather quickly that we would use an agency and which agencies to interview. It wasn’t easy, but without them I would have been lost.

I coach couples who are considering surrogacy to help them understand what the process looks like, the decisions they’ll have to make, the costs they should anticipate and their possible paths forward.

My clients have told me they have learned more in 30 minutes of speaking with me than 6-months of researching on their own. 

How are you able to refill your cup or avoid being triggered while working with clients? If you are triggered, how do you handle?

I recently had a couple I’m coaching through surrogacy experience a failed transfer. It was heartbreaking for them and triggering for me. I welled up with tears while coaching them through different ways to process the disappointment and sadness that comes with that experience. At the end of the session I knew I was a better coach for having allowed myself to be vulnerable.

In your view, why is honoring loss healthy?

Three reasons. It helps to process feelings about loss. If you feel moved to share it with others, I have found that it can help someone else going through something similar feel less alone. It is incredibly rewarding to play a part in supporting someone else; especially when I receive feedback from someone in the community that my stories have helped them.

What are several tangible ways that you recommend honoring loss?

These are some things that I do to honor Christopher and Avellina:

• I carry a small frame in my purse with photos of Christopher and Avellina.

• Photos of them are displayed in my closet so I see them every day as I’m getting dressed.

• We celebrate their birth/death days by visiting a bench we have in their honor.

• I write a letter to each of them in a journal annually on their birth/death days or just when inspired to do so.

• We keep their memory alive by talking about them.

• We have Christmas ornaments for each of them that hang on our tree every year.

What is something that we probably don’t know about you but should?

I was born in Brooklyn and am a huge fan of NYC history. I am also a licensed NYC tour guide license and used to lead walking tours!

Do you have a mantra that keeps you going?

I always try to be grateful for the blessings I have, versus resentful for the experience I’ve faced.

Focusing on the blessings, even during the worst of times has gotten me through. One of those is having had my husband by my side offering so much love and support through it all.

About Lia Buffa DeFeo: Lia is a mother through surrogacy to Carolina and to two angels, Avellina and Christopher, as well as the Founder of Fly Bravely. Lia is also an advocate for legalizing surrogacy, destigmatizing infertility and loss, and making it all more bearable personally and in the workplace.

You can also Fly Bravely on IG with Lia here.

Mindful Fertility: Meet Simone Tai

Simone Tai. Photo by @unicornproductionsla

Right now more than ever, we need hope. Hope that this new world and all of the mental/emotional hardships that come with it. It’s hard to live a life on pause with constant concern for family, friends, and community, then add the complexities of infertility - cancelled cycles or feeling a sense of guilt to still be in it and/or possibly even scared that it might be cancelled at any given moment, or possibly even the anxiety of being pregnant after so many disappointments during the journey.

Enter Simone Tai, a beautiful soul who found her purpose during her infertility journey. Inspired by serving others and comforting herself, Simone left the film industry and became a meditation teacher. During this time of uncertainty, Simone’s kind heart and expertise remind us that above all hope and gratitude are not cancelled.

It is my sincere pleasure to introduce you to Simone.

Describe yourself in 5 - 7 words. 

ST: Liverpudlian lass with an adventurous compassionate soul.  (Liverpudlian means from Liverpool, England and ‘Lass' is slang for girl in the North of England) 

Quote that you live by?

“My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.” – Maya Angelou

What is your purpose and how did you find it? 

ST: To help women learn the tools to suffer less and know their true value, power and purpose. I’ve always naturally done this with friends but discovered it was my purpose during my own fertility journey.

I realized if I could learn how to get out of the way of my own pain and suffering and feel as fulfilled as I do today then I could truly help others do the same.

I learned how to harness these skills and see it in full effect when I became a meditation teacher. 

You've been on a fertility journey of your own, would you mind sharing a bit about it?

ST: Of course. It's a LONG story but I’ll try and keep it snappy.

My husband and I started trying for a baby soon after we married in 2012. Over the next 8 years we did everything and anything you can imagine (8 rounds of IVF, 5 rounds of IUI, clomid, supplements, acupuncture, energy work, plant medicine, crystals, multiple tests and procedures such as hysteroscopy for a septate uterus, immunology testing, laparoscopy, & recent diagnosis of endometriosis). No stone left unturned…  It was one of the hardest things i've been through and I’d never felt so worthless and broken. It became cathartic for me share my story by blogging about it in ‘bubblesandbumps’ and going on to do a TEDx talk. Hearing from supportive, kind women in the same boat made a big difference to me. 

After nothing but miscarriages and chemical pregnancies we did our final final frozen embryo round in January of this year which wasn't viable and have decided on no more medical intervention.  We will continue to take care of our health and will try naturally of course, but we are now really excited to be going through the adoption process and can’t wait to see how our baby will come to us.

The journey has been messy, it broke me, my husband and our marriage BUT we got help and healed.

Today, we have never been stronger, happier, more in love or more ready to have a family. A few years back I would never have thought this was possible. 

How has meditating taught you how to cope with the roller coaster of infertility?

ST: On a physiological level, meditation taught me the power of our thoughts and the mind-body connection. Research shows how mindfulness balances our hormones and regulates our monthly cycles (a crucial part of fertility that’s often ignored in Western medicine). I also use mindfulness to help me sleep and to feel energized in the day - a lifeline when taking meds and feeling overwhelmed and stressed!

On an emotional and spiritual level meditation taught me that I am more than my fertility story.

It showed me that I had the power to heal and soothe my suffering. That no matter what obstacles come my way in life I have all of the tools to navigate them. I now know how to live a life where I THRIVE and not just survive. 

What has this time of uncertainty taught you that you would like to pass along to readers?

Like so many others right now my job (at a local meditation studio) stopped abruptly and therefore so did my income.

I panicked and felt isolated at first but then asked why is this happening FOR me?   It gave me chance to PAUSE, look around and ask, how can I do this differently?

I embraced my fears and started my own online meditation classes and events, within 1 week I was booked by 2 big clients: NBC studios and CBS to be their regular mindfulness coach. IF I had stayed in the safety of my studio I wouldn't have braved something new.  Sometimes we are pushed in a new direction but it feels wrong at first, but the terrifying new road might just be the route that makes you.

What keeps you going? 

The feeling in my heart. The power of compassion.  The desire and ability to help transform suffering (mine and others) and into a life of love and beauty. 

As Thich That Hanh wrote ’No mud, no lotus'  The secret to happiness is to acknowledge and transform suffering, not to run away from it. The beautiful lotus flower needs the mud to grow.

If you could have dinner with anyone, who would be and why?

I’d have a dream dinner party! It's my nature!

Oprah for her wisdom and stories for days, John Lennon, fellow Liverpudlian to sing at the party, Martin Luther King to share his profound wisdom and compassion. I'd ask how he would handle modern day conflicts and corona virus! Prince Harry to share the royal gossip and because of his fun, cheeky side. I’d also have ‘Moira' from Schitt's Creek. She cracks me up! We all need humor in our lives, it's healing. 

About Simone Tai:

Simone Tai is a British Meditation Instructor and dedicated practitioner for over 14 years. Her qualifications include: 400hr Mindfulness Meditation teacher training, 200hr Vinyasa Yoga TT, Mindful Self-Compassion TT, Google’s Mindful Leadership SIYLI, and Reiki levels 1 & 2. 

Coming from a background of 15 years as a TV Producer, Simone first turned to meditation to help with work related anxiety and pressure. But it was an emotional 7 year fertility journey (shared in the blog 'Bubbles and Bumps) that led her to dive deeper into the practice. After seeing the immense benefits in her personal life and career, Simone now combines all her training and experience into her classes, workshops and courses to help others build inner strength, resilience and happiness. Her aim is to offer kindness and support whilst making meditation accessible and digestible to all!

Try this free 15 minute fertility meditation that helped soothe my anxiety and build my inner strength. 

Learn more about Simone through her site and Bubbles and Bumps fertility blog. For more meditation tips, please visit Simone’s YouTube channel. You can follow her on Instagram here or email her to find out about private sessions at simonetai@me.com

Photo credits: First photo: @unicornproductionsla. Others: @jacquelinepattonphoto

Both Sides: A couple's perspective on their infertility journey

Photo Credit: Filipa Jackson and Sameer Walji

As high school sweethearts, Filipa Jackson and Sameer Walji spent countless hours daydreaming of their future. They saw a house, a dog, and five kids. Being a young and healthy couple, they didn't foresee any problems once they were married. With the house and a dog checked off their list, their next move was to have kids. Little did they know that this would be the start of a long journey…

After three years of undergoing countless fertility treatments, they finally got their positive pregnancy test after a round of IVF + ICSI and FET with their only embryo. Though their story has been filled with heartbreak and letdowns, they found their way through - with the support and encouragement of each other.

Here is a rare glimpse into both sides of the story.

Filipa, what went through your mind when you decided to start fertility treatment? 

FJ: I felt a weird mixture of disbelief and relief. I was scared and excited all at the same time. It seemed like I was finally on the right path.

What do you know now that you wish you knew then?

FJ: That DNA Fragmentation tests are so important. I just can't imagine the amount of unexplained infertility cases that might have been helped. They should be given to a man at the start of the fertility journey, there just isn't enough testing for men, it's all on the women. We would have saved thousands of dollars and countless months of heartbreak if this test had just been done at the beginning.

Who was your support system and how/did you feel supported?

FJ: My husband, Sameer, was my greatest source of support. Through all of this we became super close. No topics were off limits. The good, bad, and downright ugly. We saw each other at our lowest, and were there to hold one another.

What was your low and what kept you going?

FJ: My lowest point was during IVF. We were waiting for our last two embryos to become blastocysts. It was day 5 and my fresh transfer was cancelled. Why? Well because my little embryos were only at 90 cells, they needed 100 cells, and if they didn't grow over night, it would be game over. Thank goodness they made it. But I remember those loooooong 24 hours of waiting in hell. I was a heap on the floor, but my darling husband and fluffy forever puppy Coal joined me there. They validated my feelings and let me cope the only way I could in that moment.

Was there a silver lining?

FJ: I had lots of silver linings, but the one that I cling to most is connections. Through this I became closer to my husband, my family, and I truly found myself.

First thought when you found out that you were pregnant?

 FJ: What?! We were in pure disbelief. I had done a sneaky test about 5 days prior and it was negative. We just couldn't believe that the beautiful second line was real.

You have been upfront in sharing that you didn’t publicly share about your infertility journey to protect yourself. In hindsight, is there anything that you know now that you wish you had known going in?  What would you have shared/said to those battling infertility?

I wish I had spoken out sooner. I would have realized how therapeutic it is, I would have also seen that I wasn’t alone and that the fertility community is a wonderful supportive place. So if you need to reach out, don't be afraid to, yet also know that on the opposite side, it's ok to be quiet. There is no wrong or right way to deal with what you're going through. You find what works best for you. 

Sameer, what went through your mind when you went through the first infertility treatment with Filipa?

SW: Fear was my main emotion! Fear of the unknown. I'm not one to visit a doctor for anything, now I'm letting them in on the most sensitive of topics.

What do you know now going in, that you wish you knew then?

SJ: Well the cat’s out of the bag, my swimmers aren't as great as we were led to believe. So I would've done the DNA Fragmentation test right away. I can't recommend it enough.

Did you do and/or change anything to support Filipa during the process?

SW: We were both going through lifestyle changes. My main ones were trying to be more active, eating healthier and kicking my daily beer to the curb.

Who was your support system and how/did you feel supported?

SW: I think as a man, you feel like you are the one providing the support. I didn't really have anyone apart from Filipa. It's not something the guys chat about down at the pub. But Filipa was there for me, she kept me sane.

What do you think holds most men back from discussing infertility? 

SW: Pride. It feels like your masculinity is questioned when you're going through fertility treatments. Pathetic I know. I didn't have the strength to talk about it before, but this is something I avidly want to change.

First thought when you found out that you and Filipa were pregnant?

SW: Disbelief. We had gone through all of this for YEARS! My mind was pre-programmed for failure. So it took a while to sink in, but boy once it did... pure joy!

If you were going to do an infertility PSA for men, either dealing with male factor and/or supporting a partner undergoing treatment, what would it be?

SW: It may sound cliché but communication really is key. It makes comprehending issues so much easier. Filipa and I would talk for hours, not only about fertility but everything really. It was super therapeutic and brought us a lot closer. So don't be afraid to be vulnerable in front of each other, you are a team, you are in this together.

Please support Filipa and Sameer as they continue their journey! Drop by their site PlayingWithApparel where both Filipa and Sameer candidly share about their experience and don’t forget to say hello. You can also find Filipa and Sameer on IG at @filipajackson and @playingwithapparelmen

From Bumps to Baby with Liz Shaw

Liz Shaw and her baby girl. Photo provided by Liz.

Although you wouldn’t know it, I only recently met Liz Shaw. Liz has quickly become a friend, confidante and source of nutritional expertise for me. I met Liz as she was launching her Stress-Free IVF Nutrition Guide and am so grateful that I had the opportunity to recently review it during my recent (fourth) IVF cycle. (You can read more about the Guide here.)

Liz is a Registered Dietician, Certified Personal Trainer and owns a nutrition consulting business. Based on her own experience with infertility she has bridged the gap between diet/nutrition and the process. Liz lets us in on all of her secrets with her recently published Stress-Free IVF Nutrition Guide and also her Fertility Foods Cookbook.

Liz is someone that you need to know. Not only because she may be the world’s kindest and gentlest soul but because her understanding of nutrition as it relates to fertility and overall health is an absolute game changer. I caught up with Liz the other day and am excited to share our discussion with you!

What does fertility warrior mean to you?

LS: That’s a great question! I have a whole series devoted to the women (and men!) who’ve gone down a path that’s not so easy to expand their families. A warrior in the sense that they continue to persevere despite the challenges of their “battle” with infertility.  I have a colleague who’s trying to open up and change the negative connotation around warrior and instead focus on the strength and power of the women (and men!) and I love that vision too! 

Since you are a RD, were you surprised when you struggled with your own fertility?

LS: Yes! But then again, even doctors get cancer and dentists get cavities, so we are all human!  As we know, infertility doesn’t have a type. It affects all of us, health professionals and athletes and people of faith, there’s no discrimination. What’s important for people on the outside to remember is that infertility is not something someone can control. It’s often caused by so many factors in which there is no one size fits all approach to treatment.

I like to try and remind people that finding the right treatment plan for them, the right professionals to guide them on THEIR path is what will make this entire process that much more bearable in the long run. And let’s be real, sometimes this is a VERY LONG RUN! 

Please share your story

LS: My husband and I started our journey to expand our family about a year after we got married in 2012. Realistically, we didn’t intend to get pregnant right away, but I had been on birth control since I was 13 years old and we knew it would take some time for my body to regulate.  Lo and behold, we waited, and waited some more. 

I was finally diagnosed with unexplained infertility related to my hypogonadotropic hypogonadism  (HH), which is a lack of hormonal regulation in which little to no sex hormones are produced. You can read more about that experience here, but essentially it was the beginning of a long road for my husband and I which also coincided with entry into the assisted reproductive technology route to expand our family. 

I truly believe any period of waiting is challenging for a want-to-be-mama. Be it a two-week-wait or a trial time for your body to “figure itself out”, neither is a desirable scenario. Thus, we did a mix of both. We started with an IUI, entering full force with the notion that this was our ticket to baby. After our first failed attempt, I was crushed. I never fathomed the emotional pain of that particular experience and surely wasn’t ready to jump into another emotionally, financially, and physically exhausting experience. Side note, because of my HH, I was placed on the IVF medication regimen for my IUI round.

Our doctor at the time assured us that the highest rate of success would be to start IVF. In February of 2016, we decided that was our next step. We took some time off since we had been on this rollercoaster since 2013 and knew we needed to find the joy in our marriage again. We signed up for a Spartan Race in Hawaii, dominated that race and came home to start our first round of IVF…

It was during this time of waiting, I began to feel lost, alone and so confused. I knew I needed to seek help, and through that formed the community known as Bumps to Baby. This community has been my rock, my outlet to share the innermost thoughts I’ve felt on this journey to baby and most importantly, a safe place for others to find security and friends through. While it began as an Instagram account, it quickly morphed into a private Facebook Community and a full website with a special feature for others to share their stories, too, known as Warrior Women Wednesday. 

After our IVF retrieval, my body responded very poorly and we were unable to do a fresh transfer. Of the 15 eggs retrieved, only two embryos were viable for cryopreservation. As bad as that day was getting the news that our 15 had turned into two, the worst was yet to come. The two days in which we received the news that both embryos didn’t take (during the transfer) was by far the lowest of the low in our 4.5 year journey to baby. Honestly, it was during our final failure in August of 2017 that I knew I needed to take a step back from ART treatments. I needed to regroup, find a new sense of peace with my body and begin to remember, baby or not, I (needed to know that I) was enough as a person, a wife, a woman.

Fortunately, my husband was also traveling back and forth between Switzerland and the US for work during this time. I was blessed with the opportunity to join him for the remaining part of 2017 and so we packed up our belongings and moved to Locarno from the end of October through mid-December of 2017.

During this time, I was able to find that sense of peace. I was able to mourn our losses, the trials and tribulations that infertility had taught me and began to refocus on the community of Bumps to Baby and the messages that I wanted to help communicate. It was also during this time the passion project I had worked on with a close colleague and friend was released, The Fertility Foods Cookbook. The cookbook helped merge my love of nutrition and heart for the fertility community into one.

This experience, this break, this opportunity to learn to trust my body again is ultimately what led to the greatest twist and joy in our journey to baby. I’m happy to report our miracle baby made her way into our arms August 4, 2018. A true testament to the powerful role stress can play in your health and most importantly, the importance of finding trust and healing your relationship with your body, remembering you too are enough! 

What pieces of advice would you share with someone on their (in)fertility journey?

LS: I think I would sum up my advice in the hashtag #NeverLoseHope. Infertility can feel like such an isolating journey when you’re in the thick of it. I was there for years before I decided to break the silence and find comfort from my #ttcfamily. And believe me when I say, we are not alone! We know the statistics show that 1 out of 8 couples struggle and lets be real, likely someone close to you is going through the thick of this disease too.

When you feel comfortable enough to share your story, to seek help, know we are here for you. Join the Bumps to Baby Private Support group and begin feeling a new sense of peace and warm welcome into the family you never wanted to have, but are blessed to be a part of!

How do you feel about the word “journey”? Love, hate or both and why?

LS: Love the word journey! It shows that it’s not a start and stop point but a continuous path, especially once the individual does see their rainbow and begins the new journey of motherhood.

You recently wrote the Stress-Free IVF Nutrition Guide, what was the inspiration? 

LS: It was a way I could give back to the community that has been such a rock for me time and time again over our five-year journey. As an RDN, it was everything I wish I could help tell patients who are lost, confused and consulting Dr. Google before beginning their cycle. Truthfully, it’s the guide I wish I had when I was going through our cycle, too. You can pick up your guide here. Use the code fertilust for a 10% discount.

Favorite fertility foods ranked

LS: Tough call! I love variety so really a plethora of fruits and veggies in nourishing bowl or pile high on thick, seedy whole grain bread!

This  Amaranth Buddha Bowl and these Beet Burgers recipes are some of my favorites!  

Pineapple core pre-transfer. Myth or reality?

LS: Myth, to some degree! Little to no scientific evidence exists on this. Every Friday a group of RDNs and I debunk myths and share fertility nutrition information! We actually covered this one here, and you can follow the weekly series here!

What gets you out of bed in the morning?

LS: My sweet little pineapple, aka my rainbow baby! Even before her arrival, I was driven in my career and lucky enough that my passion is able to be pursued each day by helping women and men understand the important role nutrition can play in their bodies. 

What keeps you up at night? 

LS: The endless tabs I have open in my brain! Whether it’s work, parenting, family, the Bumps to Baby community, or what I want for breakfast, I have a hard time unwinding and closing down at night! 

About Liz Shaw: Liz is a Registered Dietitian and Certified Personal Trainer in San Diego, California. She owns a nutrition consulting business in which she works with brands to help disseminate key health messaging to practitioners and consumers at large via national speaking, TV segments, and through her strong social media presence. Liz also runs a maternal health private practice in which she specializes in fertility nutrition. She is an author of the Fertility Foods Cookbook published last fall and a blogger at both Shaw’s Simple Swaps and Bumps to Baby.

Liz is also a freelance writer and serves as a nutrition expert for many national publications, such as Shape, Women’s Health, Men’s Health, Muscle and Performance, Fit Pregnancy, Parentsand others. Her current position has led her to what she loves most, educating the public at large about the importance of nutrition and health in daily life while connecting individually with those struggling to build their families. Helping to empower others through nutrition is truly what brings Liz joy!

NIAW Feature: Options are Valuable

Anthea King-Pascual captured by Alexis Mera. Shirt designed by Kayla Kleinman.

I had the opportunity to sit down with fertility warrior, Anthea King-Pascual to discuss her journey of secondary (in)fertility, IVF and the relief she found in the egg donor option. Read on to find out how Anthea is redefining the conversation around (in)fertility through her story of loss, heartache and love.

Anthea’s story:

I got pregnant with my daughter when I was 35 after three months of trying. When I was 37 and my daughter was one, we tried again for a second. We got pregnant after trying for a while and discovered at five months that the fetus had trisomy which meant it wouldn’t be a viable pregnancy. We then turned to IVF and after four times, had an ectopic pregnancy that resulted in a miscarriage, DNC, and chemotherapy to flush out my fallopian tubes. After the ectopic, we took the mandatory break from treatment for six months.

We decided to try (IVF) again by bundling embryos over three more rounds (of retrievals) and banked a total of 11. Our embryos were sent for genetic testing and every single one came back abnormal.

I was now 42 years old. Our insurance had been covering up to 80% up until that point and we were about to go entirely out of pocket. We consulted with our Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) and he shared that the chances of a viable pregnancy was about 1% based on my age and our history. As a result, our RE recommended that we consider the egg donor route which I hadn’t really thought about up until that point.

We decided to move forward and initially had two failed attempts with possible egg donor candidates. As a result, we decided to go the frozen rather than fresh egg donation route and purchased multiple eggs from one donor. The first egg that we transferred resulted in my son, Simon!

The media gives a false sense of expectation and hope by covering celebrities who get pregnant at 45 or 50. It is very likely that these pregnancies could be the result of donor eggs. It’s so important to voice the option about leveraging donor eggs. In fact, our clinic, RMA NJ does approximately 2,000 egg donor transfers a year!

What was your high?

My high was making the decision and the plan to go the egg donor route. It was the hope in knowing that there was an option (to have a baby), and that it wasn’t the end of the road for us. It wasn’t the original way we thought that we were going to (have a baby), but it was the way that it happened for us.

What was your low?

The low over my entire journey was after banking multiple eggs over three cycles. After all the emotions, medications and money, and then finding out that none of them were viable. My husband and I felt completely defeated.

Do have a silver lining?

My husband. He was so supportive of everything that I was doing, wanted to do, and the decisions that I made. I felt like I really wanted to have another child and give my daughter a sibling.

I knew that I married the right man because we hit rock bottom and were able to get through it together by supporting each other. I know my husband very well but we had never been in this situation before. There is no way of knowing how a partner may be or react during an extremely trying experience, and he was beyond supportive.

Do you have any words of wisdom?

I think that it is important to remember that there are options. I remember someone sharing with me that “only you are going to know when/if you need to change your path”. Be honest with yourself and don’t give up hope. Consider going about the process a different way such as donor egg or adoption. It could save you a lot of heartache, time and money.

People also question whether they could love their (donor egg) child as much as their biological child. Speaking from experience, the answer is YES, you most definitely love that child just as much!

Anthea, her husband and her two children live in New Jersey. Anthea’s love for her children’s care and safety inspired her to launch Homepaired, the first online marketplace connecting families with motivated and talented American students, with the goal of making live-in childcare affordable, accessible and ethical.

Get Happy

There could be a slew of reasons that might derail a day; the too-good-for-his-job guy/girl at the local coffee shop who was rude and got your order wrong to boot. Maybe you’re running late to an important meeting and a careless taxi driver just drenched you in toxic city sludge on your way to said meeting… 

Life isn’t perfect. We should allow ourselves the opportunity to mourn the big things and let go of the small things. We may not be able to control outcomes of situations but we can control how we react to them. In those moments we are presented with a choice and an opportunity.

There is something to be said about the power of optimism to combat stress and empower a positive mind-body connection crucial for any medical challenge including infertility. Poor mental stress may negatively affect fertility in ways that are not yet clinically understood. (I asked Dr. # 4 about the impact of stress and she said and I quote “we live in New York City, everyone is stressed and women get pregnant all of the time”. That statement literally crushed me at the time and now I think it is just plain ridiculous that I allowed her view to cloud mine.) Just because there isn’t enough clinical research to provide gold standard research on the affects of high cortisol levels doesn’t mean that we aren’t affected by stress. Stress is real and we have the power to either contribute to it through negative thoughts, thereby punishing ourselves, or through combating it through manifesting the positive.

There is only upside to practicing a positive outlook. A generally happy person enjoys a higher quality of life and it may also reduce disease so there’s that. Each morning is an opportunity for us to hit the reset button. While it applies to just about everything, focusing every waking moment on getting pregnant “or else you won’t have this, or that,” can create tunnel vision. (Cue that crazy spiral image from the Twilight Zone.) Being so attached to a fertility outcome may even make things worse for us mentally and emotionally should our reality not match our expectation. I’ve been there. We have a choice to be all consumed or practice counting our blessings for the things in our lives for which we are grateful right now.

So if you missed the memo on “National Happiness Day” today, remember that you’ve got another shot to get happy tomorrow. Before you go to bed tonight, reset. Close your eyes for a (whole!) minute and breathe deeply. First forgive yourself, maybe even forgive that self-absorbed barista, taxi cab driver, or your nosy colleague who keeps asking when you are going to have kids. Consider giving them the benefit of the doubt, as they are likely just unaware. Take three more minutes. Just three more! Write down three things that you are grateful for, and three moments that you are looking forward to in the new day. (Writing my thoughts and tasks in a pretty notebook gives me an insane amount of satisfaction for some reason. Maybe it will for you?) The moments that will make you smile as you think about the future may be as simple as hugging your dog, or seeing the sun/sky in the morning. On the back of the paper, dump anything else that you need to park outside of your head like calling your mom, the doctor, any work related items, and, and, and… Bonus points if you write down one self-care item (massage, manicure, etc.) that you plan to schedule for yourself, just because.. Then leave your phone in another room and affirm to yourself that you have set yourself up to get a good night’s sleep to reset and restore for the coming day ahead. Believe it when you say it.

Tomorrow, right when you wake up, read that list of six things at home and not on the run, saving the other side of the to-do’s for the office. Honor your brilliant mind and body by telling yourself how grateful you are, drink a whole glass of water and mentally prepare yourself for the day with a smile. And give yourself permission without judgement to fake that smile until it becomes real.

Wishing all of us endless National Happiness Days…

xx

Photo by Patrick Hendry on Unsplash

The Girlfriends' Guide to IVF: Part 1

I was chatting with a girlfriend going through IVF and realized that it might be helpful to share my experience in hopes that it could help others navigate the process as well. 

During my third round last year, I made the discovery that by changing my attitude towards IVF, it wasn't as mentally and emotionally daunting as it had previously been.  Was piercing myself with needles (or letting my husband do it for me) a party?  Well no, not quite. There are however a lot of uncontrollables during IVF, so feeling emotionally stable and maintaining a positive attitude was an absolute victory.  I learned to accept the process, perhaps even embrace it rather than resent it.  I let go of being attached to the outcome, and THAT helped me make peace with IVF.

I am in no way diminishing the emotional and physical hardships associated with IVF.  I don't wish the experience on anyone.  I just made a decision to look at the process differently than I had been and set other goals (like getting mind/body healthy,) so that I could win no matter the outcome.  Perhaps three (rounds of IVF) was a charm, but I am convinced that my efforts to take care of my overall health paid off.  It still took a lot of effort on my part, and I couldn't have done it without a community and support system.  My doctor, nurse, and husband were the best team that I could have dreamed of, and the support group from CCRM provided ongoing inspiration.  

I learned to not underestimate the importance of the right doctor.  Just because a doctor did wonders for your friend does not mean that he or she is the right fit for you.  If this sounds like the position that you are in, look for a doctor with good credentials, that you vibe with, and who is attached to excellent labs.  Also make sure that you really like your nurse.  Your nurse will be your lifeline.

Only you can control how you feel.  I found my peace through prioritizing my needs.  You will likely need the support of friends, family and possibly a like-minded community during this time, but you will also need to give back to yourself.  This was a rather awkward and difficult new habit for me to embrace but it became yet another silver lining on the journey.

And one more thing... No matter what anyone else tells you, including me, nothing can really mentally prepare you for the IVF process.  It is not for the faint of heart and you are a rockstar to travel this path.  Remember that you are not alone and you do not have to suffer in silence.  

I've put together a cheat sheet of the main points that I believe helped me optimize my outcome and feel decent during the process.  My hope is that these insights will help support your journey and make the ride a little less turbulent.  Read on to Part II to get started.

The Girlfriends' Guide to IVF: Part 2

Phase One/The Prep for Retrieval:

Similar to a recipe, here is the plan that I followed prior to egg retrieval and leading up to transfer.  This may also be helpful for anyone, including those doing egg freezing, IUI and IVF.

Try to take 90 - 120 days to reset your overall health and mindset to optimize egg quality and ultimately set the stage for a productive IVF cycle.  And go with your gut.  Start on your schedule.  Some doctors will try to rush you by telling you that your eggs will be 2 - 3 months older if you wait.  While true, if that is the case, I find it interesting that my results got better after hitting the pause button for 8 months. It’s really more about quality than quantity.

Here are my tips:

1. Eat clean whenever possible

Focus on a mostly organic plant-based protein diet with an equal quotient of healthy carbs and fats.  (Translation for carbs/fats: fruits, veggies, nuts, and oils.) 

Pass on dairy, refined sugars, and refined grain.  Also beware of gluten replacement foods and especially any gluten-free foods that come in a box or bag as they might be laden with refined sugars and possibly chemicals.  These items all have an inflammatory effect on the body which doesn't help the optimal egg health cause.

2. Take quality supplements 

This is in addition to eating whole foods and shouldn't be the replacement for them. Check out my recommendations here. If you already know that you are challenged with egg quality issues, consider adding an organic Acai supplement.  Navitas makes a great supplement that I use for smoothies. (Avoid any Acai that is not pure or products like Sambazon that have a high sugar content.)

3. Drink water and lots of it

Ideally 8 glasses a day as a benchmark and preferably from glass.  Avoid plastic when possible.  BPA which is found in plastic is a known endocrine disruptor.

4. Try your best to cut caffeine

You'll have to do so anyway to ensure proper labs/monitoring.  Consider replacing your coffee ritual with hot water and lemon which is alkalizing (inflammatory reducing).  Pair it with an awesome refrigerated Probiotic like Natren Healthy Trinity to promote digestion and combat bloat.  

4. Cut alcohol

I'm sorry!  This was extremely difficult for me too.  I promise that you can do anything you set your mind to for 90 - 120 days!

5. Be aware of what you put on & around your body  

Avoid products with sulfates, parabens, phthalates (fragrance) and phenoxyethanol.  All of these items are known endocrine disruptors.  Check out EWG to give you a better gauge on how products rank or to demystify ingredients in products.

Go ahead, be a sophisticated hippie with some of these awesome products that I have tested. I am not affiliated with any of these brands, I do however believe in their ingredients.

• Skin/Hair Products: S.W. Basics, Body Deli, Rika

• Natural Deodorant (that works): Joyous Organics and Primal Elements

• Cleaning Products: Puracy, Meliora K, Branch Basics

• Glass Water Bottle: BKR

6. avoid receipts

I am aware that this sounds crazy and especially if you live in a city or travel for work.  The thin powder coating found on receipt paper contains an unusually high amount of endocrine disruptor, BPA.  Not sure what to think? Search the terms "bpa receipts" and look for a credible source to learn more.

7. sleep

Try for 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep a night if at all possible.  This time is imperative to repair and restore cells.

8.Get your head on straight

Take ten minutes every morning for yourself to set the tone for the day.

Check out the 5 Minute Journal to remind yourself of what you are grateful for and/or meditate with the Headspace App.

Exercise easily.  Think yoga, barre, micro-toning, hiking/walking. The reason why cardio isn't recommended is because it promotes a fight/flight response during exercise, inducing unnecessary added stress on the body which isn't great for optimal cellular growth and creating the healthy maturation of eggs.  (The IVF process is already stressful enough, no?)

9. Consider Acupuncture

It blissed me out and has known benefits to increase blood flow.  In other words, it's good for egg heath and might also stimulate a thicker lining to promote transplantation when it comes time. However if this stresses you out for any reason to get acupuncture, take a pass because that will defeat the purpose of your going.

Phase Two/Stimming:

1. Keep on practicing self-care

This includes taking time for you, sleeping enough, staying hydrated and continuing healthy eating habits.

2. Discontinue most supplements

Continue with a daily Probiotic, Pre-Natal and Vitamin D (if you are deficient).

3. Stop any exercise outside of walking

The key is to not get your heart rate up.  If you are out of breath, chances are that you should ease up.

4. join a support group

Check out Pregnantish.  There are also plenty of private support groups on Facebook. Need some ideas - send me a note!

Many clinics also have groups available so make sure to inquire.  It's so nice to know that you can ask a burning question at 3a to a group of people that are going through the same things that you are, right now.  

Phase Three/Retrieval:

1. Try your best NOT to be attached to the outcome

I know that this is easier said than done.  Think of the many ways you have already won with a healthy mind and spirit. no matter what happens you are making strides towards life long wellness with new, good for you habits.

2. Get a post-retrieval care package ready

A heating pad, Tylenol, coconut water (I love Taste Nirvana and Harmless Harvest), Ultima electrolyte mix (please stay away from Gatorade), and a bag of salty Kettle Chips will do wonders. I am aware that the chips sound a little crazy but the high levels of sodium just following retrieval actually help drain the fluid that builds up in the empty egg sacs which can cause uncomfortable bloat. I also love enjoying my chips with guacamole - you need the healthy fats right now so dig in!

3. Go native on the day of your retrieval

You and your partner should avoid wearing perfume, deodorant, and anything with fragrance in it.  Why you ask?  Because the fragrance (phthalates) could potentially damage eggs retrieved making them abnormal. 

Phase 4/The In-Between:

Between the time of retrieval and transfer is not the time to go cold turkey on all of the incredible healthy habits that you have been practicing.  Keeping a healthy lifestyle between retrieval and transfer will reward you with a better state of mind, more energy, faster recovery, and possibly better odds of conceiving during transfer.

Phase 5/The Road to Transfer (Egg Implantation):

Congratulations on making it to the transfer stage.  You should feel really good as this is not a given.  Many of the positive habits that you have picked up or already practiced along the way will continue to serve you.

1. Continue to eat, sleep, and hydrate well

2. TAKE supplements

Specifically continue a Probiotic, Pre Natal, and Vitamin D if you need.  Add back in Omega 3s.

3. Keep taking time for yourself

If you like acupuncture, try going once a week to help promote lining growth.  Only go if it doesn't stress you out to manage it into your schedule and get there in the first place.

4. Cut out alcohol and caffeine again

Much to my dismay I was reminded that chocolate has caffeine too.  Just remember that this is not forever.

5. maintain a positive outlook

Be excited but unattached to the outcome. It is a blessing to have gotten this far.  The universe doesn't promise or owe anything; all we can control is our attitude and embrace the silver linings that we encounter along the way.

Phase 6/Time for Transfer:

1. pre/post transfer acupuncture

Many fertility outpatient facilities offer this.  If this interests you, consider it for its calming, blood flow stimulating benefits that helps the eggs get cozy in the uterus.

2. Get yourself in a good headspace 

Consider taking a restorative style yoga or meditation class the night before the transfer.

3. Wear comfortable clothes and "happy" socks

You will be looking at them for a while.

4. go fragrance free

This applies to you and your partner and will minimize any damaging exposure to your hard-earned blastocyst(s).  (A blastocyst is a Day 5 - 7 fertilized embryo.)

Phase 7/Post Transfer (AKA: the Two Week Wait):

First of all, congratulations for reaching this milestone, it is no small feat!

1. Plan for bedrest for that day and the following

I know that this is now controversial but it certainly does no harm so I did it. Either way, avoid a heating pad and hot showers/baths.

2. Eat warm, nourishing foods

This includes organic bone broth to promote a comfortable zone for the embryo to implant.  Wild salmon, dark leafy greens, ginger, and fermented vegetable are also thought to be helpful.

Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate. 

3. Eat fresh pineapple core and raw Brazil nuts

Beginning the day of transfer and continue for a few days... 

Pineapple contains an enzyme bromelain, known for it’s powerful anti-inflammatory properties.  Reducing inflammation in the uterus helps set the stage for implantation by potentially creating a sticky lining where the embryo can settle in comfortably.

Eat 6 - 8 Brazil nuts a day.  Chockfull of selenium, Brazil nuts are thought to help thicken the uterine wall promoting a healthy lining to aid with implantation.

4. Meditate and visualize your embryos getting cozy

What is the downside?

5. Binge on funny movies or shows

In case you are looking for suggestions, I liked Up Schitt's Creek and Master of None on Netflix.

6. Rest and sleep a lot

7. more about the 2ww...

This will feel like the longest week and a half of your life (so far!) to find out what your results are from the blood test.  Try to be stoic.  Unfortunately OTC pregnancy tests can potentially provide a false negative or positive.

8. Be excited but not attached to the outcome

I know that I keep saying this.  This is a friendly reminder that whatever happens doesn't define you one way or the other.  You are also not alone in this journey.

Sending positive thoughts your way! xo

Baby Makes Three...

I am grateful to my rock of a husband; friends and family for cheering us on; Elaine, an enormously talented healer who helped me understand my path; the designer who fortuitously sat next to me at a brunch last summer and introduced me to "the" doctor;  Claudia for helping me awaken to the concept that all of this was happening for me; Keri who taught me to look at food as fuel and medicine; Daryl for reminding me that (acupuncture) needles can actually be wonderful; and to Dr. Schoolcraft, Melanie and all of the amazing people at CCRM that I have had the great pleasure of meeting along this very long road.

Sound like an awards ceremony?  I sort of feel like I just won the greatest award in the world.  I have won the gift of pregnancy and I couldn't have done this on my own without the expertise, support, and love of so many incredible people.  I now know that every single person that I felt that tinge of energy around was meant to be in my life for a reason, whether for a season, or a lifetime.  For the first time, maybe ever, I feel like I am in alignment and exactly where I am meant to be.  

I have tried so many times to write this entry down over the last couple of months, and every time, I find an excuse to put it off.  First I had to wait until after three months to be sure, then I had to get my energy back, take care of my full time job, wait until the time felt right to share the news, and the list goes on and on...  Despite my very positive outcome, I have felt so many emotions through this process that coming back to center and sharing the news of my pregnancy has actually been more difficult than I could have imagined.

About 6 weeks after starting this blog, I got pregnant.  It’s mildly amusing that I had to expose my “dirty little secret,” and then I conceived so quickly.  The most interesting finding is that by sharing my secret, it was no longer dirty.  In fact, I found out that I was far from alone.  The path to finding fertility can mentally and physically suck the life out of you if you let it.  I am fortunate to have discovered solace and community from several groups consisting of thousands of women who struggle with their fertility.  These women bestowed upon me the invaluable gift of perspective.  And for those still on the journey, I will continue to root for you every single day.

I also thought that getting pregnant would be my end goal.  In hindsight, it is now clear that chapter was a stepping stone to the next leg of this incredible journey.  The lessons that I have learned, and continue to learn, about mental and physical wellness weren’t only the key to helping me conceive, they have become a way of life.

So as I sit here writing this at 6.5 months (26 weeks) pregnant with my little babe kicking inside of me, I am overcome with appreciation for this journey.  Being open to the possibilities, unattached to the outcome and surrounded by an amazing network is why I believe I am able to share this wonderful news with you.

A million thanks.  My cup literally runneth over in gratitude.

*A very special thanks to the talented Robert Grima for capturing me and my belly, as well as to Zimmerman for the beautiful dress.*