Pride and the Path to Parenthood

Credit: Jess and Heather Camarillo

Heather and Jess Camarillo met in the early 2000's on MySpace! They were friends online for years and in 2010 it took a romantic turn. They were destined to become the Camarillo’s of Camarillo, CA!

Heather is a Systems Engineer at a leading tech company in California and Jessica is a former Security Engineer turned Real Estate agent. When they aren’t working you can find them at the beach or barbecuing in their backyard. They love being at home with their family, friends and fur babies, Lucy & Betty.

Together Heather and Jess share their story to not only de-stigmatize infertility and also to support the LGBTQ+ community with resources for the path to parenthood.

In honor of Pride month, I asked Heather and Jess to share their ongoing fertility journey with us.

HC: We started our journey in February of 2018 and discovered that I have extremely low AMH (0.12) which means I have Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR). We did two retrievals and were able to get two (2) viable embryos. We transferred the first embryo in October of 2018 and it did not implant. We transferred our second one in February of 2019 which also did not implant. We then went on to do 3 more IVF's. One of those IVF’s was canceled due to ovulation and on the other I had ovulated again at retrieval. During our last IVF we only retrieved 1 egg and it did not fertilize.

Luckily for us, in the summer of 2019 we met an amazing couple who had three (3) embryos to donate. We formed a very quick bond with them and they gave us their remaining three embryos!

We are now moving forward with the transfer hopefully in July of one of those donated embryos.

Our donated embryos are/were in Idaho since that is where they were frozen so we planned to do the transfer there. We didn't want to disturb the embryos at all by shipping them to our clinic in CA. However, due to the Covid-19 pandemic, travel has become difficult so we had one of the embryos shipped from the Idaho clinic to our clinic in Encino, CA!

We were very nervous about shipping our embryo. Our RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) told us from the beginning that there was a chance that our embryo's would not survive the trip. That was why we had ultimately decided to do our transfers in Idaho. While it is rare that the embryo does not survive, we wanted to make sure we did everything in our power to get it here (to our clinic in CA) safely. We went with a courier who was recommended to us by both clinics and also purchased the additional insurance. It was very stressful especially during the couple of days when we knew it was in transit, but everything worked out perfectly. It was a super smooth process and we couldn't be happier with the transportation company.

You recently shared that “IVF wasn’t the quick fix you thought it would be”. What do you wish you knew now about your journey that you didn’t know when you started?

HC: At the beginning especially before finding out about my DOR, we thought that this would be easy. We are just a same sex couple who needed some help introducing my eggs to some sperm. I always had very regular cycles so there were never any indications that there might be a problem. Even after our consultation with our RE we still felt like this would happen since age was on my side. Other than the DOR I am very healthy and my RE let us know that even patients with DOR can still have a perfect, little baby.

It wasn't until after the first transfer that it really sunk in that this was going to be anything but easy or quick.

I wish I knew exactly how much of an impact my low reserve was going to be on this process. What we really wish is that we were aware of all of this years ago and even if we weren't ready to have kids, I could have still frozen embryos when I was younger; when I most likely had more eggs. We wish we knew then what we know now.

Based on your experience, is there anything you wish your healthcare provider knew about the needs of the LGBTQ+ population?

HC: Our RE was actually very well informed and had worked with other LGBTQ+ couples previously. We are very lucky in that aspect that our RE knew how to work with us.

What can straight people learn about the LGBTQ+ community dealing with infertility?

HC: We feel not everyone understands that it's not always easy for the LGBTQ+ community to come out of fertility treatment successfully. It is very easy for some and they are so lucky and blessed, but, others like Jess and me it has been anything but an easy journey. 

Has the infertility journey changed you in any way?

HC: I don't know if it has changed me or if it has just made me realize things about myself that I didn't before we started.

I have realized that I am much stronger than I thought; I have never failed at something so much. Usually when I put my mind and all of my energy into something I come out successfully. This has been different, I have failed multiple times, but I pick myself back up and keep going.

Jess doesn’t feel changed really but definitely feels more educated in regards to infertility, treatment and has learned how to be supportive for someone who is going through the treatments. Jess has also become an expert with administering injections which is something she never thought she could do!

We have both stepped outside of our comfort zones in so many ways on this journey and it has only made us stronger than we ever thought we could be.

Has infertility impacted your relationship?

HC: I think if anything it has brought us closer. I have heard that this can unfortunately impact relationships in a negative way. Jess and I want the same thing, we talk through everything and always make sure we are on the same page and are still aligned. Jess has been so supportive through all of this, she rarely misses any of my appointments and I feel very lucky to have such a supportive partner by my side.

How has your infertility experience amplified your pride in any way?

HC: So many in the LGBTQ+ community have believed the antigay rhetoric in our culture and have put off their dreams of parenthood.

I feel it's important that we help each other (in the LGBTQ+ community) feel empowered to try and have the families we have always wanted.

We heard and saw stories from others where they were treated poorly or even told they wouldn't be helped because of their sexuality. We felt that we wanted to help our community from having to go through this so we have built out a document with LGBTQ+ friendly clinics. We have also thought about creating an app where this information is easily accessible and up-to-date.

What resources can you share with others in the LGBTQ+ community who are considering expanding their families?

HC: There are many wonderful groups on Facebook actually that are specific for the LGBTQ+ community wanting to start families. They are extremely informative and supportive. Also, if you would like to look at our list of LGBTQ+ friendly clinics (national and international), here is the LINK. 

Support Heather and Jess’ journey by following their story @camarillosofcamarillo on IG.

Get Happy

There could be a slew of reasons that might derail a day; the too-good-for-his-job guy/girl at the local coffee shop who was rude and got your order wrong to boot. Maybe you’re running late to an important meeting and a careless taxi driver just drenched you in toxic city sludge on your way to said meeting… 

Life isn’t perfect. We should allow ourselves the opportunity to mourn the big things and let go of the small things. We may not be able to control outcomes of situations but we can control how we react to them. In those moments we are presented with a choice and an opportunity.

There is something to be said about the power of optimism to combat stress and empower a positive mind-body connection crucial for any medical challenge including infertility. Poor mental stress may negatively affect fertility in ways that are not yet clinically understood. (I asked Dr. # 4 about the impact of stress and she said and I quote “we live in New York City, everyone is stressed and women get pregnant all of the time”. That statement literally crushed me at the time and now I think it is just plain ridiculous that I allowed her view to cloud mine.) Just because there isn’t enough clinical research to provide gold standard research on the affects of high cortisol levels doesn’t mean that we aren’t affected by stress. Stress is real and we have the power to either contribute to it through negative thoughts, thereby punishing ourselves, or through combating it through manifesting the positive.

There is only upside to practicing a positive outlook. A generally happy person enjoys a higher quality of life and it may also reduce disease so there’s that. Each morning is an opportunity for us to hit the reset button. While it applies to just about everything, focusing every waking moment on getting pregnant “or else you won’t have this, or that,” can create tunnel vision. (Cue that crazy spiral image from the Twilight Zone.) Being so attached to a fertility outcome may even make things worse for us mentally and emotionally should our reality not match our expectation. I’ve been there. We have a choice to be all consumed or practice counting our blessings for the things in our lives for which we are grateful right now.

So if you missed the memo on “National Happiness Day” today, remember that you’ve got another shot to get happy tomorrow. Before you go to bed tonight, reset. Close your eyes for a (whole!) minute and breathe deeply. First forgive yourself, maybe even forgive that self-absorbed barista, taxi cab driver, or your nosy colleague who keeps asking when you are going to have kids. Consider giving them the benefit of the doubt, as they are likely just unaware. Take three more minutes. Just three more! Write down three things that you are grateful for, and three moments that you are looking forward to in the new day. (Writing my thoughts and tasks in a pretty notebook gives me an insane amount of satisfaction for some reason. Maybe it will for you?) The moments that will make you smile as you think about the future may be as simple as hugging your dog, or seeing the sun/sky in the morning. On the back of the paper, dump anything else that you need to park outside of your head like calling your mom, the doctor, any work related items, and, and, and… Bonus points if you write down one self-care item (massage, manicure, etc.) that you plan to schedule for yourself, just because.. Then leave your phone in another room and affirm to yourself that you have set yourself up to get a good night’s sleep to reset and restore for the coming day ahead. Believe it when you say it.

Tomorrow, right when you wake up, read that list of six things at home and not on the run, saving the other side of the to-do’s for the office. Honor your brilliant mind and body by telling yourself how grateful you are, drink a whole glass of water and mentally prepare yourself for the day with a smile. And give yourself permission without judgement to fake that smile until it becomes real.

Wishing all of us endless National Happiness Days…

xx

Photo by Patrick Hendry on Unsplash