Photo Credit: Filipa Jackson and Sameer Walji
As high school sweethearts, Filipa Jackson and Sameer Walji spent countless hours daydreaming of their future. They saw a house, a dog, and five kids. Being a young and healthy couple, they didn't foresee any problems once they were married. With the house and a dog checked off their list, their next move was to have kids. Little did they know that this would be the start of a long journey…
After three years of undergoing countless fertility treatments, they finally got their positive pregnancy test after a round of IVF + ICSI and FET with their only embryo. Though their story has been filled with heartbreak and letdowns, they found their way through - with the support and encouragement of each other.
Here is a rare glimpse into both sides of the story.
Filipa, what went through your mind when you decided to start fertility treatment?
FJ: I felt a weird mixture of disbelief and relief. I was scared and excited all at the same time. It seemed like I was finally on the right path.
What do you know now that you wish you knew then?
FJ: That DNA Fragmentation tests are so important. I just can't imagine the amount of unexplained infertility cases that might have been helped. They should be given to a man at the start of the fertility journey, there just isn't enough testing for men, it's all on the women. We would have saved thousands of dollars and countless months of heartbreak if this test had just been done at the beginning.
Who was your support system and how/did you feel supported?
FJ: My husband, Sameer, was my greatest source of support. Through all of this we became super close. No topics were off limits. The good, bad, and downright ugly. We saw each other at our lowest, and were there to hold one another.
What was your low and what kept you going?
FJ: My lowest point was during IVF. We were waiting for our last two embryos to become blastocysts. It was day 5 and my fresh transfer was cancelled. Why? Well because my little embryos were only at 90 cells, they needed 100 cells, and if they didn't grow over night, it would be game over. Thank goodness they made it. But I remember those loooooong 24 hours of waiting in hell. I was a heap on the floor, but my darling husband and fluffy forever puppy Coal joined me there. They validated my feelings and let me cope the only way I could in that moment.
Was there a silver lining?
FJ: I had lots of silver linings, but the one that I cling to most is connections. Through this I became closer to my husband, my family, and I truly found myself.
First thought when you found out that you were pregnant?
FJ: What?! We were in pure disbelief. I had done a sneaky test about 5 days prior and it was negative. We just couldn't believe that the beautiful second line was real.
You have been upfront in sharing that you didn’t publicly share about your infertility journey to protect yourself. In hindsight, is there anything that you know now that you wish you had known going in? What would you have shared/said to those battling infertility?
I wish I had spoken out sooner. I would have realized how therapeutic it is, I would have also seen that I wasn’t alone and that the fertility community is a wonderful supportive place. So if you need to reach out, don't be afraid to, yet also know that on the opposite side, it's ok to be quiet. There is no wrong or right way to deal with what you're going through. You find what works best for you.
Sameer, what went through your mind when you went through the first infertility treatment with Filipa?
SW: Fear was my main emotion! Fear of the unknown. I'm not one to visit a doctor for anything, now I'm letting them in on the most sensitive of topics.
What do you know now going in, that you wish you knew then?
SJ: Well the cat’s out of the bag, my swimmers aren't as great as we were led to believe. So I would've done the DNA Fragmentation test right away. I can't recommend it enough.
Did you do and/or change anything to support Filipa during the process?
SW: We were both going through lifestyle changes. My main ones were trying to be more active, eating healthier and kicking my daily beer to the curb.
Who was your support system and how/did you feel supported?
SW: I think as a man, you feel like you are the one providing the support. I didn't really have anyone apart from Filipa. It's not something the guys chat about down at the pub. But Filipa was there for me, she kept me sane.
What do you think holds most men back from discussing infertility?
SW: Pride. It feels like your masculinity is questioned when you're going through fertility treatments. Pathetic I know. I didn't have the strength to talk about it before, but this is something I avidly want to change.
First thought when you found out that you and Filipa were pregnant?
SW: Disbelief. We had gone through all of this for YEARS! My mind was pre-programmed for failure. So it took a while to sink in, but boy once it did... pure joy!
If you were going to do an infertility PSA for men, either dealing with male factor and/or supporting a partner undergoing treatment, what would it be?
SW: It may sound cliché but communication really is key. It makes comprehending issues so much easier. Filipa and I would talk for hours, not only about fertility but everything really. It was super therapeutic and brought us a lot closer. So don't be afraid to be vulnerable in front of each other, you are a team, you are in this together.
Please support Filipa and Sameer as they continue their journey! Drop by their site PlayingWithApparel where both Filipa and Sameer candidly share about their experience and don’t forget to say hello. You can also find Filipa and Sameer on IG at @filipajackson and @playingwithapparelmen
