Have you ever met someone that you have such a deep connection with, that it doesn’t matter that you just met, the friendship is sealed as though you’ve know that person for your entire lifetime? Lia and I instantly bonded through our shared experiences of IVF and motherhood. As she shared her journey which was met with heartache and loss before she came to meet her beautiful rainbow daughter, I couldn’t help but think, that I was meeting one of the bravest and kindest women I have ever met. That meeting with Lia at Maman on Canal Street will be far one of my favorite memories of NYC because that day I met a friend for a lifetime.
Since that day, I have sent multiple people to Lia who supports women and couples who are exploring options with surrogacy and/or have experienced loss at any stage including having to leave a hospital without their baby (whether it be them or their surrogate). It takes a very special person to be able to support loss after having gone through it - not just with the trauma but with what to do in the moment to preserve any fleeting memories that may be available.
Lia will be joining us for our October Sunday Session to discuss Why Honoring Loss is Healthy in honor of National Pregnancy and Infant Awareness Loss month. Without further ado, it is my pleasure to introduce Lia DeFeo and the important work that her company Fly Bravely does.
Tell us about Fly Bravely and the inspiration behind the name.
Fly Bravely is a NYC consultancy dedicated to normalizing pregnancy and infant loss and supporting those experiencing challenges and heartache on their path to parenthood.
I wanted the word brave in the name because I feel it’s a reflection of the community I serve and a nod to those still on their journey. Fly has a double meaning. First, moving forward in a way that to me, is freeing. Second, it’s a nod to my daughter Avellina which means “little bird”. Avellina is our daughter who “flew away” and died two hours after she was born.
Was there a tipping point that moved you to found Fly Bravely?
It was after my daughter, Carolina turned one. It felt like a turning point. A moment where I could breathe again and not worry if she would leave us too soon like Christopher and Avellina had. I finally felt comfortable talking about my journey to motherhood without having an emotional reaction. It was then that I knew I wanted to normalize loss and help others who were facing challenges on their path to parenthood.
Did loss have an impact on any relationships; personally, professionally or both?
Professionally, I became a far more empathetic manager. I realized that you never really know what the person across the conference table (or zoom line) is going through in their own life that may be driving their reactions or actions in the workplace.
Personally, I found out that many people I was very close to had struggled with infertility, miscarriage and even stillbirth. These were women I knew very well, yet they had never felt comfortable opening up about it before I shared what happened to me.
It was eye opening how much stigma and isolation is associated with these situations (of loss) where what is actually needed is support and love.
Looking back on your journey, what would you tell your younger self?
I wish I would have known that I would one day have a healthy and beautiful baby. The losses and unknowns were so hard. I would encourage myself to move forward bravely and celebrate the milestones even in a pregnancy after loss.
You have championed access to surrogacy; at what point in your journey did you pursue it and did the experience affect how you coach others?
When my uterus ruptured and Christopher was stillborn I also lost my ability to carry. I was still in the hospital when I made two phone calls. One to my cousin and one to one of my childhood friends. Both were cancer survivors and had started their families via Surrogacy. I needed to hear their stories because at that moment, I needed to believe that it wouldn’t be the end of my journey.
The experience made me realize how “lucky” I was that I knew these two women. They helped me understand the process—something that can be really daunting. They helped me decide rather quickly that we would use an agency and which agencies to interview. It wasn’t easy, but without them I would have been lost.
I coach couples who are considering surrogacy to help them understand what the process looks like, the decisions they’ll have to make, the costs they should anticipate and their possible paths forward.
My clients have told me they have learned more in 30 minutes of speaking with me than 6-months of researching on their own.
How are you able to refill your cup or avoid being triggered while working with clients? If you are triggered, how do you handle?
I recently had a couple I’m coaching through surrogacy experience a failed transfer. It was heartbreaking for them and triggering for me. I welled up with tears while coaching them through different ways to process the disappointment and sadness that comes with that experience. At the end of the session I knew I was a better coach for having allowed myself to be vulnerable.
In your view, why is honoring loss healthy?
Three reasons. It helps to process feelings about loss. If you feel moved to share it with others, I have found that it can help someone else going through something similar feel less alone. It is incredibly rewarding to play a part in supporting someone else; especially when I receive feedback from someone in the community that my stories have helped them.
What are several tangible ways that you recommend honoring loss?
These are some things that I do to honor Christopher and Avellina:
I carry a small frame in my purse with photos of Christopher and Avellina.
Photos of them are displayed in my closet so I see them every day as I’m getting dressed.
We celebrate their birth/death days by visiting a bench we have in their honor.
I write a letter to each of them in a journal annually on their birth/death days or just when inspired to do so.
We keep their memory alive by talking about them.
We have Christmas ornaments for each of them that hang on our tree every year.
What is something that we probably don’t know about you but should?
I was born in Brooklyn and am a huge fan of NYC history. I am also a licensed NYC tour guide license and used to lead walking tours!
Do you have a mantra that keeps you going?
I always try to be grateful for the blessings I have, versus resentful for the experience I’ve faced.
Focusing on the blessings, even during the worst of times has gotten me through. One of those is having had my husband by my side offering so much love and support through it all.
About Lia Buffa DeFeo: Lia is a mother through surrogacy to Carolina and to two angels, Avellina and Christopher, as well as the Founder of Fly Bravely. Lia is also an advocate for legalizing surrogacy, destigmatizing infertility and loss, and making it all more bearable personally and in the workplace.
You can also Fly Bravely on IG with Lia here.
