Event Speaker Spotlight & Getting Linspired with Linny Stone

Photo provided by Linny Stone

Linny Stone is a wellness advocate and marriage therapist who is redefining the word strength by vulnerably sharing her story of disappointment, loss and hope of a rainbow baby. Her experience with recurrent miscarriage has also created the goal of moving the topic of miscarriage from taboo to talked about.

I am so grateful to Linny for opening up about how her infertility journey has empowered her both personally and professionally, and how it has moved her to pay it forward in support of other women.

Please read on to learn more about Linny’s story. You can also meet Linny virtually this Sunday at our event, Why Honoring Loss is Healthy. Linny will share more about her journey and how to get the support that you need through tools, resources and your relationships. I promise you will leave inspired.

Would you mind sharing a bit about your fertility journey?

We have been on this journey for almost two years now and after many tests and appointments it feels like we finally have all the puzzle pieces, we just need to place them all together.

I suffer from Recurrent Pregnancy Loss and have had three (3) miscarriages. After my third loss, I took some time to dive into research to get answers that could help me make a change.

I knew I wanted a baby, but it was hard to believe in my body. So I focused on educating myself on fertility and finding possible answers for my losses.

During this time, I discovered that I have APS (a blood clotting disorder) and Diminished Ovarian Reserve. I am currently on my 2nd medicated cycle with Clomid in hopes that it will lead me to a pregnancy.

Was there a moment when you felt compelled to begin advocating for miscarriage awareness?

I was grieving and it felt like no one in my circle of family and friends could relate and truly understand me. I was craving connection because I felt so alone. It moved me to started researching and I found the statistic that 1 in 4 women experience miscarriage.

I thought to myself, "How many women are going through this feeling alone even though there are so many of us?"

I felt compelled to share my story in hopes that it would lead me to creating a community not only for myself, but for (all) other women who (all) deserve support.

What is APS and what role does it play in recurrent miscarriages? How was your APS diagnosed?

Antiphospholipid Syndrome is a blood clotting disorder that can put pregnant women at a high risk of miscarriage and/or stillbirth if not medically monitored. It is very unfortunate. The good news is that once diagnosed, most women will go on to have healthy full term pregnancies if under proper medical care.

I had a traumatizing experience after my 1st loss. I had a D&C and there were complications because I would not stop bleeding. This alerted us that something wasn't right and we eventually got the testing that led to my diagnosis.

Based on your professional and personal experience, how do you recommend supporting someone who has had a miscarriage? 

I've have learned that talking about it is helpful for women mourning a miscarriage, but most women don't share because of stigma or shame. It is very important to create a safe space where they feel comfortable to open up.

Just listen. Try not to compare or give advice. Validate however they feel.

Don't forget to check in every now and then. A simple, "I am thinking of you" message can go a long way.

What are appropriate words to say (and mean) to someone who has had a miscarriage?

It is ok to say, I don't know what to say, but I am sorry you are going through this and I am here for you.

What family/friends can say: I'm sorry and although I may not have the right words please know that I will be here when you are ready to stand by you as you walk through this.

What fellow warriors can say: I know it may not seem like it right now, but the weight does eventually get lighter.

Why is honoring loss healthy and what are some ways in which readers can pay tribute to their angel(s)?

• Acknowledging can help with accepting which can lead to finding a sense of closure

• Writing a letter to your angels (expressing all the things you never got to say)

• Light a candle

• Say a prayer

• Plant some flowers

• My favorite. Commission an artist that can create a family portrait of you with your angels. I did this and found it to be extremely healing. It helped me have the only visual of what our family would look like if our angels were with us.

Has infertility made you a better marriage therapist and coach? How so?

Definitely.

My education gave me knowledge, but my experiences have given me wisdom.

I understand pain, loss, and trauma from a personal perspective which allows me to be empathetic and truly support the people that I help.

Can you share several tips in support of couples who are facing infertility?

Understand that you won't always understand each other as you navigate through this new path but with effort, you can find a way to common ground again.

Communicate by saying what you really want to say, and allowing your partner to do the same. They may say things that you don't want to hear, but you need to know how they really feel & not how you WANT them to feel so that you can really work together.

Remember that you are a team. You are in it together. Even though your experiences may be from different perspectives, nonetheless it is an experience you are sharing together.

This (experience) can form an unbreakable bond. Surviving this type of hardship together can reinforce the strength of your love and appreciation for each other.

How has infertility changed your definition of strength?

It has made me realize how strong I really am. After three (3) losses, I feel invincible. If I can survive that, I can survive anything.

Please share a meaningful quote to you or your mantra.

My mantra is: Disappointed, but NOT defeated.

About Linny Stone: Linny is a relationship coach who uses coaching and therapy to support couples to cope with infertility and/or loss. Linny is also a wellness advocate and infertility warrior who suffers from Recurrent Pregnancy Loss & APS (a blood clotting disorder) which creates a 70-80% chance of miscarriage or stillbirth if not vigilantly medically monitored. Before getting diagnosed Linny had three miscarriages, and is currently fighting for her Rainbow Baby as she faces infertility due to Diminished Ovarian Reserve. Her experience with loss and fighting to get answers have led to her being passionate about spreading awareness on women's health & fertility issues. Linny shares her story candidly on Instagram while incorporating her relationship coaching & therapy tools to help couples cope through infertility and/or loss. The content on her site is full of encouragement and resources to help empower women through knowledge.  You can learn more about Linny and her story at: www.linspiredliving.com and on IG @linspired.living

Speaker Spotlight: Alishia Anderson, Babyloss Awareness Advocate

Alishia and her husband in the hospital saying hello and goodbye to their angel baby, DJ

I am so grateful to Alishia Anderson, Golden Mama, Babyloss Awareness Advocate and Author of Still Here: A Memoir of Love, Loss & Triumph After Stillbirth for sharing her own experience of losing her son DJ. Through her pain, Alishia has made it her purpose by creating the Still Here movement which educates about babyloss, the associated stigma and supports grieving parents and families.

Read on to learn more about Alishia’s important work and please join us live with Alishia in an important discussion honoring Pregnancy and Infant Awareness Loss Month. We will be talking about Why Honoring Loss is Healthy at our Sunday Sessions event on October 25th and hope that you will join us to lift up others who are grieving. Please RSVP here to the private event.

Was there a specific moment or experience after losing DJ when you realized that you needed to write your book, Still Here?

I began writing in my journal the night that I found out that DJ no longer had a heartbeat. I journaled consistently throughout my grieving and healing journey after loss. I also shared my story via social media platforms. When I kept getting DM’s from others who had also experienced baby loss, it showed me that there was a need for me to write a book about my experience.

So many people are affected by baby loss both directly and indirectly so I wanted to address that in my book. The remarkable thing is that when I was in 3rd grade my teacher told my mom that one day I would be an author. Here I am, 24 years later an author of my first self-published book, Still Here: A Memoir of Love, Loss, and Triumph After Stillbirth.

You’ve made it your mission to destigmatize loss. Was there an experience that made you realize just how taboo the discussion is?

I shared my loss story early on in my grieving journey. It was not that I was so courageous. More so, sharing helped me feel better and made my son DJ feel real. While I was comfortable talking about DJ and even sharing his picture (I’ve gotten more comfortable over time about sharing his photo,) I realized from the responses I’ve received that many other people don’t talk about loss - because of what I coin the 3S’s: silence, secrecy, and shame of baby loss. 

When did you know that you needed to answer the call to become a baby loss awareness advocate?

I knew after experiencing loss firsthand and writing my book that I didn’t want any other bereaved parent to feel the isolation of baby loss without having support. I wanted to be a voice for those bereaved parents of babies/children who died and who didn’t feel they had enough strength to share their stories in this season of their grieving journey. I hoped by becoming an advocate and constantly sharing my story, I would offer a blueprint to help parents unlock their courage to share their stories of loss too.

The more we share, the more we normalize the taboo energy surrounding baby loss.

You have been incredibly supportive of families who have experienced loss. Can you share what others should say or do in support of a friend or loved one?

One thing that I have noticed is that people are very uncomfortable with grief. Society has done us a disservice on how to handle grief as a collective. So while getting offensive feedback after loss is jarring to a baby loss survivor, it’s not surprising because we have not been properly trained to handle grief. All of us are usually trying to figure it out as we go. 

My advice to others who are trying to support a baby loss parent in bereavement and grief is to allow space for the awkward uncomfortable conversations. More than likely the bereaved parent will want to talk about their baby, but usually don’t because it creates tension for those who have not experienced loss.

Make room for bereaved parents to talk about their babies by saying “I’d love to hear about baby [insert their name] if you feel up to it.”

Let the conversation flow organically. The parent may not want to open up yet, but affirm them that when they are ready to talk that you will be there to listen with no judgement [and truly mean it]. Another thing you can communicate is: “I don’t know what to say or how you feel in this very moment, but even if we have to sit in silence, and just cry, I am here to support you!” Having people support you (even if they don’t have the proper words to say) is so necessary especially during the beginning stages of loss.

What should someone think twice before saying? 

There are many phrases that often grind the gears of baby loss parents. Here are a few common ones (that I heard along the journey):

You can always get pregnant again

This implies that having another baby will erase the fact that I lost a baby I never intended on losing. It feels as if you’re dismissing my baby’s existence.

God needed an angel

While we in the baby loss community sometimes refer to our babies that died as angel babies, I must point out, some loss mamas hate this term as they believe it is a word to make the death of a baby more palatable. We don’t want to hear that God made our baby die so the baby could live in heaven. That sounds like we were not sufficient enough to be parents and our space for our baby was not “good enough” for them to stay.

At least it was early on in your pregnancy…etc.

It does not matter how early or late you are in your pregnancy. As soon as you connect with you baby in your womb (i.e. seeing a positive sign on your pregnancy test, after an ultrasound, after hearing the heartbeat etc.) you bond with that child on a deeper level.

It doesn’t matter if you were only pregnant one day, that baby matters and your pregnancy was valid, solidifying your space as a parent! 

In your view, why is honoring loss healthy?

I found there is simply no way around grief. You have to deal with it head-on. You may suppress your grief after baby loss, but eventually it will find its way to the surface, and you will have to deal with it one way or another.

I think it is healthy to honor loss because it allows us to 1.) vocalize the raw emotions we feel internally 2.) honor the life of our baby gone too soon and 3.) gives us permission to move forward in healing while defining what life looks like after loss.

How do you honor DJ and what are several tangible ways that you recommend that others can honor their loss(es)?

Two of the biggest ways we honor DJ is by celebrating his birthday every year on January 18. We always buy a cake/cupcake, light a candle, and sing happy birthday to him. The second way we honor DJ annually is on his due date, which is April 7.

Each year we do what I call #DoGood4DJ where we ask all our family and friends who are willing to participate do a random act of kindness for someone in honor of DJ. On that day we’ve paid for people’s lunches, passed out toiletry and snack care packages to the homeless, and even honored a first responder for their commitment to service during Covid-19. All in DJ’s honor.

It doesn’t matter the monetary value, it’s more about the act of kindness. I want DJ’s legacy to be worldwide. The way we will accomplish that is to continue to be of service to others. 

Tangible ways other people can honor their loss is:

• Speaking your baby’s name every chance you get, to normalize talking about their existence

• Have a picture of your baby painted or have your angel baby added to a family portrait

• Hold a candlelight vigil in honor of your baby

• Write a song or poem 

• Write a letter to your baby on their Angelversary every year, let them know how much you miss them…or write about the milestones they would be accomplishing at the age you’re celebrating

• A balloon or butterfly release

• Spread their ashes somewhere special

• Decorate their gravesite for different holidays

Your mission through Still Here is to connect and support 1M baby loss families around the globe. How can readers support?

I’ve been gaining steam since creating my social media page dedicated to Baby Loss, Pregnancy and Motherhood After Loss in 2018. I’m not sure the exact number of baby loss families I’ve supported via my content, my book, my one on one conversations, guest podcast spots etc., but I’ve been honored to connect with many families who entrust me to hear about their personal losses. Sharing your baby loss story can be a challenge so I am always humbled when I get a DM from a bereaved parent willing to share their story and their baby with me. I don’t take that privilege lightly. 

Ways your readers can support the Still Here mission is by joining my community on IG or FB @AliAndeEnterprise. Liking or re-sharing my content I post. Purchasing my book Still Here: A Memoir of Love, Loss, and Triumph After Stillbirth,  and lastly reaching out to me to share their story. I love to connect with other baby loss parents and their extended family and friends. It lets me know the work I’m doing is not in vain. 

How can readers play a part in de-stigmatizing loss?

Continue the conversation about loss. If you have not experienced loss firsthand, talk to a baby loss parent willing to share their experience. I think we need to begin to normalize the idea that not all women who get pregnant end up with a living baby. The reality is 1 in 4 PREGNANCIES not 1 in 4 MAMAS (because some mamas have MULTIPLE losses), end in loss. While this may sound morbid this is our reality.

According to statistics, 24,000 babies are born still born in the US every year.

The fact is my son DJ is so much more than just a number. He was my child, whom I loved and longed for, for 7-months, who died in my womb. I miss him daily.

These conversations need to be had so we can begin to destigmatize loss and grieving the death of a baby/child. 

Please share a quote or mantra that keeps you going.

Grief is not one size fits all.

You’re allowed to do whatever helps you cope with the death of your baby no matter how unconventional or uncomfortable it may make others feel. I did what felt best for me at the time of my grieving including speaking DJ’s name, sharing my story with whoever would listen, going to therapy, writing in my journal, reading devotionals, praying, listening to uplifting music, self-publishing my book etc.

Do what makes you feel good because at the end of the day, your grief journey is part of parenting your angel baby!

About Alishia Anderson. Alishia has always looked at life with a glass half full perspective. But when she lost her first-born son DJ at 28-weeks’ gestation on 1.18.16, it rocked her to her core. Through her grief journey she has grown spiritually, discovered her purpose, and has become a better wife, [rainbow/golden] mama, pregnancy loss advocate, and mentor to other baby loss families who’ve unfortunately been dealt the same tragic plight of loss. Alishia learned early after her loss that sharing her story helped her heal. Two years into her healing journey she self-published her book Still Here: A Memoir of Love, Loss, and Triumph After Stillbirth to help eradicate what she coins the 3S’s of baby loss: silence, secrecy, and shame. Alishia enjoys writing, singing, traveling, making memories, and spending quality time with her family and friends. She resides in Southern California with her husband Derrek and two earth side sons, #boymom. 

Learn more about and support Alishia’s mission on Instagram and Facebook.